


Sleep Deprived insanity

by amazinglyhorribleegg



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ? - Freeform, Dean in Purgatory, Episode: s03e11 Mystery Spot, Gabriel Lives, Gen, Hurt Sam, Hurt Sam Winchester, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Maybe - Freeform, Research, Sam Needs A Hug, Sam-Centric, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Sam, Suicidal Sam Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Surprise Ending, Time Travel, Tired Sam, Triggers, Uhm, computer abuse, past suicide attempts, this is kinda sad, uh oh, unexpected
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 19:32:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11447568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amazinglyhorribleegg/pseuds/amazinglyhorribleegg
Summary: "It's been five days with no sleep, and Sam has gotten to the point where he doesn't even miss it"Deans in purgatory and Sam's starting to get a little crazy from not sleeping. He's too busy trying to save his brother. What happens when Sam finally hits rock bottom and he breaks the whole house in fury and sadness? A very unexpected ending awaits...*Trigger Warning! Graphic suicide and mentions of different past suicide attempts*





	Sleep Deprived insanity

This was hell. In fact, it might really be.

  
It’s been five days with no sleep, and Sam got to the point where he doesn’t even miss it – his eyes are strained from the bright computer screen and his mind is fogged with coffee and the thought of Dean.

  
_'Nothing, nothing at all'_ Sam thought as he scrolled through the same lore, the words varying from website to website. But it’s all the same. Sam knew it by heart.

  
_“Leviathans are primordial creatures from the sea, that through evolution, became able to possess other creatures to survive on land –“_

  
_“-Leviathans cannot be slain but by a bone of a righteous mortal washed in the three bloods of the fallen; a fallen angel, the ruler of fallen humanity and the father of fallen beasts”_

  
It was the same facts over and over and over. Sam had no clue as to where Dean or Castiel were. Was Dean in heaven? Hell? Purgatory? Maybe he wasn’t dead, maybe he got zapped to a different place. An alternative universe, like the time Raphael sent them to one.

  
The thoughts rolled around Sam’s head and hurt his brain. Sam pushed away from the computer, the chair squeaking on the ground. He stood up, picked up the chair and threw it to the ground, angry with the sound it made. Sam huffed a breath, not even differentiating the sting in his eyes being from the computer or the warning of tears.

  
Sam glared at the computer before picking it up and smashing it against the ground, yelling in frustration. Everything was wrong. Wrong, wrong, **wrong**! The table was too messy, there were too many books on the bookshelf, the light was too bright. Without a single thought, not that Sam could think properly, he pushed everything off the table with the sudden burst of anger and adrenaline. He picked up the light when he realized it didn’t break and threw it across the room, having the glass object shatter against the wall.

  
Sam ripped the lore books from the bookshelf – god, how he hated lore – and ripped out a handful of pages in a book. Sam didn’t stay on one object for long, soon his anger caused him to break the whole room. Everything in a four meter radius was smashed and thrown across the floor, leaving only a small circle around Sam’s feet.

  
The adrenaline wore off and Sam found himself surprisingly falling to the floor in sobs, his body too weak to hold himself up. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like how his life turned out, and he didn’t like how he was acting. This wasn’t him. It was Dean’s job to drink himself to death and throw around everything breakable. Sam started crying even harder (if that was possible) for a different reason.

  
He didn’t want to be like this. He made a huge mistake. Even if Sam had the choice to go back three days and get sleep, fuck, even go back two hours to when he reached for the next bottle of whiskey instead of getting water. He was a mess, and Sam just wanted it to stop.

  
Suddenly, a lump in Sam’s back pocket dug into his hip. He shakily pulled out a small, black handgun that he got for his birthday from Dean. Maybe he could make it stop.

  
Sam remembered back to all his failed suicide attempts. Once in Stanford and a kitchen knife. Jess came home two hours early and found Sam half conscious with bleeding wrists. Another time was in Mystery Spot. Or, another five times. It only succeeded once, and the day was just restarted. Then a week after Sam was told that he was Lucifer’s prom dress. Gunshot, knife, noose. He was just brought back. And now, with a gun filled with silver bullets.

  
Dean was gone, Castiel was gone, Kevin was taken away and so was Meg. Sam had nobody. Sam brought the gun up to his temple and smiled faintly.  
 _'Fifteen seconds before the day resets'_ Sam vaguely remembered from Mystery spot. Dean died from falling in the shower.

  
Twelve, eleven, ten... nine... eight...

  
...Seven...

  
Six –  
A bang filled the room and Sam dropped to the floor, lifeless. Blood splattered across the papers and books across the ground.

  
Six was always Sam’s favourite number.

* * *

  
**_It was the heat of the moment_ **

  
Sam’s eyes burst open and he sat up, his head turning towards Dean, who was tying his shoelace. Horrid memories flooded back to Sam. The musky smell of the room, the rough feel of the motel blankets, the loud music. It was too familiar. Sam’s hair even felt shorter then before. On the bed in front of him was a note written in loopy, blue ink.

  
_One more chance to make it right._   
_~Gabriel_

**Author's Note:**

> Remember, you don't have an archangel to protect you if you make a bad decision. Please take care of yourself.  
> Kids help phone in canada: http://org.kidshelpphone.ca/  
> List of crisis lines around the world: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
> 
> Thank you for reading! :) That ending is a mixture of me staying up all night and my love for Gabriel and mystery spot. Leave a comment or a kudos! It will make my day!


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